Monthly Archives: July 2011

I’ve got a lot to prove, too.

I posted a variation of this on the NAMI message board (“Living with Schizophrenia”). Someone I really admire on there posted a thread entitled “I’ve got a lot to prove.” So, that is why my post is entitled “I’ve got a lot to prove, too.” Like Paul Harvey used to say, “And now you know…the rest of the rest of the story.”

Let’s see:

  1. I’m jobless.
  2. My last hospitalization was just over a month ago.
  3. I’m living in a mission/homeless shelter.
  4. Tried taking a community college course. That didn’t work out as planned.
  5. I have a daughter who will be entering kindergarten 3 weeks from today and whose future in part will be determined by me, the choices I make, and my abilities (or lack thereof).
  6. I’m 99.99% certain that I will be filing for bankruptcy within the next 4-6 months.
  7. Most of all, I still have something to prove to myself. Not exactly sure what that “something” is right now, however, that “something” is still there…inside as well as outside of me.

In the end, does it really matter? Personally, I say “yes.”

As of July 29, 2011, that’s my world. I hope yours is equally as wonderful.





And then there were Four…

Yes, Option #4 has reared its horrendously gruesome little head: a job. Or should I say, A JOB!! At least the prospect of one. I enrolled in H&R Block’s tax professional course. Class starts August 15 and meets every Monday and Thursday from 1-4PM. Oddly enough, I’m just as excited about this position as I was about the potential to be a quasi-therapist with a bachelor’s degree in Biological Sciences. And, the potential is there to do both; however, tax prep seems a bit more practical to me. At my age, practical is exciting. I mean, EXCITING!! Okay, perhaps, I’ll settle for relieving.

Seems like my world is still a bit topsy-turvy, doesn’t it? Yep. At least for now.

The thing about having schizophrenia is that, like I’m pretty sure I have mentioned before, most of us with this brain disease develop late (and that is if we are lucky). So, even though the chronological clock says: “Edd, you’re 40 years-old…going on 41,” my maturity level is not that of a 40-year-old. Basically, I’m still trying to figure myself out and one of those things I am working on is what kind of job or career I can expect to have.

In a very real way, it’s an exciting time. Nervous, too, I’ll admit.

As of July 26, 2011, that’s my world. I hope yours is equally as wonderful.  😉

Take care and best wishes…



Hello, All!

Had a meeting with my DORS counselor (Dept. of Rehabilitative Services, a state agency devoted to helping persons with disabilities return to work if they are able). Unlike some of the DORS counselors I have had in the past, this one seems genuinely concerned about making a good fit for me in a field in which I think I would do well, namely Psychology…or some type of counseling services-related field.

She and I met for our second face-to-face meeting yesterday, and it went well. I told her that I was going to take a class in the Fall semester at Heartland Community College (Social Psychology). We discussed, at length, my strengths and weaknesses. At the end of our 1 1/2 hour-long session, we came up with three possibilities. They are as follows:

  1. Begin studies at Illinois State in the Spring, as planned. I’ve been accepted, so that isn’t the problem. This option may work, although it may be a bit frivolous; I may not need a second bachelor’s degree in order to get into graduate school.
  2. Study for the Graduate Record Exam (GRE) – both the General Test and the Psychology GRE – and if I do well on both of those try to get into a graduate program in psychology that way. Problem with this one is that it would probably be difficult to get a grad assistantship, because of my deficiencies in the number of psychology courses I have taken.
  3. Work in the field. We’re looking into whether or not I would be able to work in the field with a bachelor’s degree and some non-college training provided by an appropriate employer. We’ll see about this one. After working in the field for a period of time, if I want to go to graduate school, then that would be the time for me to do it.

Which one do I want to do? Working in the field really excites me! So, I’m kind of hoping for #3 to work out. At least with some on-the-job experience, I will be able to tell whether or not I’m able to survive/thrive in a clinical-type environment.

Of course, #1 and #2 wouldn’t be bad, either. And, if none of them work out, at least I will have tried.

As of JULY 15, 2011, that’s my world. I hope that yours is equally as wonderful.  😉

Take care and best wishes…


Funny quote of the day: “The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you’re still a rat.” ~Lilly Tomlin

Back in the Saddle Again!!

Hello, Everyone!

I don’t know who first quipped that saying (“Back in the saddle again”), but it is definitely appropriate to my situation. I have taken in a lot of advice from several people. Although I had several options, there were three finalists:

  1. Apply for housing in Pontiac and continue working with my long-time psychologist, Dr. Nancy.
  2. Apply for housing in Bloomington/Normal and find a treatment team here with which to work.
  3. Stay at the mission for a while longer and return to school.

Without going into the reasons for not choosing the ones I didn’t choose, I will, to the best of my abilities, describe why I chose the one option I thought was best for me. And, that option was Number 3. In fact, I have enrolled in a class at Heartland Community College for the Fall semester (Social Psychology) and I applied to and was accepted into the Psychology Department (as a Psychology major) at Illinois State University starting in the Spring semester.

After having to drop out of my summer class because of emotional problems, why in the hell would I put myself back in that situation??? A few reasons:

  1. There were mitigating circumstances. Although the summer class may have been the final coup d’etat leading to my hospitalization, there were other factors involved, including the lack of a treatment team. My treatment team is in place now.
  2. The thought of Options 1 and 2 were depressing to me. I just felt better when I thought of Option 3. In a relative sense, I felt dead with the first two options. I felt alive with the last one! Besides, I now have the added knowledge and (hopefully) wisdom of knowing what the worst circumstance would be for me if Number 3 fails. I’ll feel crummy (depressed) and if that depression is bad enough, I’ll go to the hospital for a few days. The benefit of trying far outweighs the risks of failing.
  3. I really think that with the right pieces of the puzzle in place I can do this. Maybe I am blind to the fact that I can’t. Maybe I do have too much faith in myself. And, maybe I will once again be disappointed by another failure. But hey, if I don’t try at all, I’ll be failing.

The question remains for me if I am successful, what kind of psychologist do I want to become? A clinician or a researcher? Stay tuned.

As of July 06, 2011, that’s my world. I hope yours is equally as wonderful.  😉

Take care and best wishes…


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