Monthly Archives: January 2012

Why I don’t post while…

I’m feeling symptomatic:

  1. These posts would be unsettling to most people.
  2. They would be edgy, sometimes hurtful and hateful.
  3. Some people cannot separate my disease from me.
  4. Sometimes, these posts might be more candid and revealing than I would otherwise like them to be. Although I share much of what I have experienced here, I don’t share it all. Perhaps, someday.

The reason I didn’t post on Monday? I was feeling a bit “under the psychiatric weather.” I was, as someone on the NAMI Message Board put it, experiencing a “hiccup.” My reply to this analogy follows:

No offense, but if you can’t speak for schizophrenic relapses, what praytell are you doing giving advice on the “Living with Schizoaffective Disorder” message board?! That’s kind of like a wealthy suburbanite telling a down-and-out homeless person what it is like for them to be homeless!

Peddle your “advice” where it belongs. Until you’ve experienced “firsthand” what an episode of schizophrenia is like, your advice is as solid as a stick of butter in a microwave oven.

I’ll probably get plenty of crap for this post, but a mood “hiccup” and a psychotic episode stemming from sz or sza are majorly different things. Like I mentioned, if you’re going to give advice, give it in places where you actually may have a little bit of knowledge.

Best wishes…


This is a very tame version of what I felt like posting. For the entire manuscript of the thread, check out this website:

NAMI “Living with Schizoaffective Disorder” Message Board:What has helped prevent a relapse?

Sometimes, shit happens, right? Yep.

Hope your life is going better than mine is at the moment. Don’t worry, my feelings and cognitive perceptions will get better. They always do.

Take care and best wishes…





My Own Bath, My Own Kitchen, My Own Living Area, and… [Late Edition]

my own bedroom!!!  🙂

Two months and two days after arriving in Ottawa and after over 8 months of homeless shelter life, I finally have my own apartment, courtesy of the Housing Authority of La Salle County. Thank you, La Salle County!

Actually, this opportunity came more quickly than I expected. In fact, I wasn’t sure I was going to get it at all. April 30th is the last day the shelter in Ottawa is open, and I was concerned that I would have to return to Bloomington for the summer. Worse things have happened, but…

Thank you to Home Sweet Home Mission in Bloomington and the PADS shelter in Ottawa for really treating me with dignity and respect. If you ever find yourself in need of shelter (let’s hope you don’t), these two places are excellent shelters. Very clean, very well run.

So, the first few days were kind of rough at my new abode. Got a little depressed/overwhelmed by the magnitude of the responsibilities I now have (along with finding my niche in a new place). I slept a lot. No thoughts of suicide or just hoping the next however many years I have left would be over; however, I did sleep quite a bit and found it very difficult to get out of bed.

That began 4 days ago when I moved in (Jan. 5). This morning, I finally figured out what was wrong. Yeah, the responsibilities and new neighbors threw me a bit, but I was missing something. I had my smokes. Nicotine, as I alluded to in a previous post, tends to calm us people surviving schizophrenia. And, I was taking my meds as prescribed. The missing link? Those of you who have read my blog or who have schizophrenia or who have spent some amount of time with a survivor may know. I’ll give you some hints:

  • You can get it at a grocery store and at most gas stations.
  • You might be able to eat it, but if you did, you might throw up.
  • Usually, it comes in a can.

The answer: CAFFEINE!!

Needless to say, today has been much better for me. And, I’ve only had four 6-ounce cups.

I did a full upper body workout this morning. Ran a ton of errands. And, even made it to my doctor’s appointment (ENT).

I feel good.

I plan on making this blog a weekly affair. Below, I’m hoping that I can insert a poll to see what days work best for my readers. Please, take a moment to vote. Also, if you feel like leaving a message, feel free to do so. My thoughts are that Monday would work, but I could easily be persuaded to choose a different day. Your feedback is much appreciated!

I sincerely hope your world is as wonderful as mine!

Take care and best wishes…



The Last 116 Days (aka 16 weeks, 3 days OR pretty damn close to 4 months)

The last 116 days have been:

  • interesting
  • adventuresome
  • fun
  • aggravating
  • life-changing
  • heartwrenching
  • momentous
  • and the ever-present “et cetera”

My last post (Sept. 8, 2011) was entitled “I do not live near normal”. It was satirical. Fact is I lived very close to Normal (Normal, Illinois). Okay, so it was a lame attempt, a softball pitch that any minor leaguer could have hit. But, guess what? I’m a minor leaguer.

Anyway, what’s happened to me in the intervening days, weeks, and months??? Where have I been??

First, I’ll let you know where I am right at this very moment. I am sitting in a freezing cold coffeehouse called “Jeremiah Joe”. It’s in Ottawa, Illinois. I swear it was warm when I got here. Not sure what happened. I even asked one of the workers if they turned the thermostat down.

“Nope, it’s been set at seventy degrees all day,” was his reply.

“Bullshit,” I mumbled under my breath. I would have been a tad more vociferous; however, I needed their Internet connection to finish this post. I know: Boohoo. Cry me a river. Go ahead – play the world’s smallest violin for me.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our feature presentation. Here in reverse order is the last 4 months of my life (condensed of course):

  • Last night, I got into an argument with a guy at the PADS shelter in Ottawa. He hogs the television controller. He dominates people. He dominates people so much that I ended up in my bunk for most of the weekend. That’s how much I abhor confrontation. At one point during our argument, he told me that I wasn’t going to watch what I wanted to watch. “I’ll watch whatever the fuck I want to watch,” I retorted loud enough for everyone (including the volunteers) to hear. It was like someone else had said those words. They may have come out of my mouth, yet for a split second, I considered looking around to spot the imposter who spoke them. Long story short:  I got the controller. I looked for the program I wanted to watch (Chicago Bulls basketball game). It wasn’t on. I handed him back the controller, then went and did a workout. How funny is that?
  • Have been able to spend a lot of time with Abbey, laughing, playing, homeschooling, and the ever-present “et cetera.” Would not trade this time with her for the world. Love you, Punkin.
  • “I want Daddy!!!  I want my Daddy!!!” Abbey and Angela had just gotten back to Ottawa from visiting me in Bloomington. Angela called because Abbey was begging for me. A day and a half later I was up in Ottawa. I’ll never forget that.
  • After making it through to the final interview process with State Farm, I dump the idea of pursuing a career there. More important things to live for than $$$. Besides, it wouldn’t have worked out anyway. Also, dumped the idea of working for H&R Block as a tax preparer.
  • Entered a photography contest with picture of Abbey. Got an honorable mention. Photograph was taken with my cell phone! Ha! The “professionals” who judged the competition couldn’t tell. See the photograph attached to this post.

Well, those are the highlights!

Abbey getting caught shoplifting fashionable hat at Target

As always, I hope your life is equally as wonderful as mine.

Take care and best wishes…




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