Monthly Archives: February 2019

You scratch my leg, I’ll scratch yours

 

What do you call an exchange of favors between two marine invertebrates?

squid pro quo

Do You Hear What I Hear?

"Edd is thinking about buying a chocolate milkshake."
"Edd is walking towards the ice cream shop."
"Edd is opening the door to the ice cream shop."
"Edd is taking a five dollar bill out of his wallet."
"Edd is thinking that carrying cash in his wallet is a stupid idea."
"Edd is deciding which flavor to get."
"Edd is checking out the woman in front of him."
"Edd is thinking that this woman has a nice ass."
"Edd is grazing his nose with his forefinger.
"Edd is slipping his forefinger into his nose."
"Edd is hoping no one will notice."
"Edd is ordering a chocolate milkshake."
"Edd is thinking that the dude taking his money must be a tweaker."
"Edd is putting his change back in his wallet."
"Edd is leaving the ice cream shop."

Think about this exercise for a moment and ask yourself the following questions:

  1. How long did reading this exercise take me?
  2. How do I feel after reading this exercise?
  3. What must experiencing this type of auditory hallucination every waking hour for months to years feel like to the person experiencing it?
  4. What other symptoms might this person be experiencing along with auditory hallucinations such as these?

Hearing a voice like the one I just described was part of my “normal” existence for at least six months, maybe up to two years or longer. I experienced so many different symptoms that teasing them all out and making sense of them is daunting. Along with this voice, I also had the following symptoms:

  • paranoid, grandiose, and romantic delusions
  • ideas of reference — thinking people were talking about me, for example
  • thought broadcasting — sending people messages that revealed my weaknesses and vulnerabilities
  • negative symptoms — avolition, poor hygiene, deficient social skills, attention deficits, much lower educational/occupational functioning than expected
  • loose and clangy associations
  • excruciating headaches
  • violent mood swings
  • obsession with killing myself and others

For six months to two years — between January 1995 and January 1997, I experienced these symptoms simultaneously. Hour after hour, day after day, month after month. And, I am not the only one. There are likely millions of people in the world experiencing this combination of symptoms right now. So, ask yourself:

  • What must that feel like?
  • How would I react to these experiences?

 

February 07, 2019

 

Final note: If you see someone on the streets yelling at the sky and punching the air, please think about this post. Those people are suffering and with a slightly different role of the genomic dice, you might have ended up like them.

Little Jimmy

 

Dad: “What did I tell you about using the F-word?! Go to your room now!”

Child (storms off, loud “pop” of door shutting): “Well, Jim Morrison was overrated!!”

Dad: “What did I tell you about slamming The Doors?!”

 

[Not original.]

little consolation


my favorite coffee can has run away
but i can adopt another
when i get paid in
two days

     still that is

          little consolation

my trusted pen has purged its ink
perhaps i could use blood which would be more
romantic

     but that is

          little consolation

four years ago
i escaped the middle of nil where my daughter resides
free to write these verses without small town midwestern mind shackles
missing her slices at my soul, scratches out my skin
i find solace and acceptance in another’s words and
non-words

     yet that is

          little consolation

artillery shells strip the scenery
machine gun rounds shred skin
chemicals sere lungs
small children lie silent waiting to
die
there is peace in my city

     but that is

          little consolation

inspiration once heeled obediently
now it has exhaled out of my life
yet i sit to write

     but that is

          little consolation

i write as if tomorrow were already here
as i delve into the past and ignore the present, i

a starving tiger on the hunt

scribble ideas and notes and thoughts
while i smoke and sigh and
listen to liszt no. 3 in my tiny apartment
the speakers thumping on my eardrums
loud enough so only i can hear and
no one else

     and at least

          that is

               a little consolation

december 07, 2014


Consolation No. 3 by Franz Liszt

what was the question? or i want…

 

to be
famous like
lou gehrig or joe dimaggio or
the one and only mickey

mouse
i want to play with the stars and
be my own supernova
exploding on the scene like
jesus and gandhi
salinger or kosinski

i want
to be
famous like
thomas jefferson or abraham lincoln or
the legendary ronald

mcdonald
i want to play with the stars and
be my own supernova
exploding on the scene like
siddhartha and lao-tzu
hemingway or vonnegut

i want
to be
famous like
bob dylan or robert plant or
the imperial elvis

presley
i want to play with the stars and
be my own supernova
exploding on the scene like
einstein and newton
ginsberg or bukowski

i want to be
famous until
i want
not to be

december 02, 2014

 

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